The Five Meta-Steps of Change

How does one self-transform? If you ask different therapists, you’ll get different answers. I believe that regardless of one’s theoretical orientation, every therapist guides their patient through a similar process. They may have different ways of describing this process or use different skills or techniques along the way. Nevertheless, it’s largely the same regardless of whether the therapy is cognitive or psychodynamic or behavioral. I conceptualized five “meta-steps” as a way to illuminate the parallels between different therapeutic styles. I keep these steps front in center during my own therapeutic process with my patients. The five steps to changing yourself are awareness, openness, curiosity, collaboration and integration.

Step One: Awareness

First, be aware that that change is possible. This can be tricky because who you are is your reality. It’s your “normal.”

How do you know that there is something beyond the water you swim in? It’s usually when something isn’t working. That makes sense because if things are working just fine, then why would you want to change anything? It’s not like the greatest lessons we learn are when things are going great. Life happens, it humbles you, and you realize that if you want something, you may have to do some work before you can have it.

Step Two: Openness

The second step is being open. You have to be open to changing. A lot of the time, people describe themselves as being open to change, and then they include a “but.”

“I am totally open, but not to being vulnerable.”

“... but not to conservative ideas or socialist ideas.”

“... but not doing this or that or being that way or this way…”

These people have so many “buts” that it turns out that they are not open at all. In fact, they are proudly closed off to making a change. Maybe they have a good reason for wanting to stay as they are, but if you are not open to it, then you are not going to do it. 

Step Three: Curiosity

Once you’re aware and open, you can begin the third step, and that is to get curious. Get curious as to what it’s like to be that kind of person you want to be. If you want to practice being emotionally expressive, as an example, talk to people who are more in touch with their feelings. What’s it like to see the world like they see it? If you have low self-esteem, get curious about how confident people see themselves and the world.   Other people know things you don’t, and the chances they know something you don’t know that could help you is extraordinarily high. For example, many of the best therapeutic techniques I have learned were passed down to me by someone else. 

Step Four: Collaboration

Once you get aware, get open, and get curious, are ready to collaborate. This step of collaboration is so often overlooked, but social psychology and studies on human behavior are full of evidence that it's important. Changing yourself is more than learning about something. It’s about stepping into the experience of being something else.

Here’s the thing: You do not live on an island by yourself. You live in the world, with other people. There is an expectation of the type of person that you are in your community. Your family, friends, coworkers and neighbors have an idea about the kind of person you are and they are going to treat you with that expectation. Human beings are social animals so chances are you are going to play that role they have assigned to you.

We crave social recognition and approval from others. And if you change yourself in a meaningful way, you will impact the existing expectations of you. For example, let’s say the capacity to be more emotionally expressive. You might mess up at some point. You might overdo it. You might overshare. Maybe you get too intense. If people are used to you being stoic and composed, they might think you are losing your mind. They may be annoyed or angry because “you are not acting like yourself” as they understand you. If they show disapproval and reject this version of you, it’s going to be difficult to maintain this change long-term. 

Enroll people in the change for which you are striving. They can provide encouragement and feedback. The therapeutic relationship is just one relationship in which you can practice “the new you.” 

Step Five: Integration

If you build a context support for your change, over time with practice, you will be ready for the final step: Integration. You are ready to make separate parts whole. You get access to that way of being that was not accessible to you before without necessarily losing who you were before. You stretch your capacity to be more than you are. You are no longer living in the world of being either this way or that, you are living in a world where you have access, freedom and agency to be flexible in who you need to be. You have options. 

***

It’s worth noting that while these steps are ordinal, they are not finite. Generating awareness is a constant in therapeutic growth. Navigating feeling closed versus feeling open to change is yet another. You may also find that one step leads back to the first. For example, while getting curious, you may uncover new aspects of awareness that you need to get open to exploring and potentially changing. 

If you are interested in learning more about the five meta-steps, book a call to see if therapy, coaching or consulting is a good fit for you. 

Book a free consultation with me here.